Losing My Religion

They say it’s a relationship

but I’m scared there’s a truth I forgot…

& you won’t let me fall,

But will you let me slip?

Because I’m scared I might be slipping away

Without a clear sense of how far I can stray.

If I lose my religion,

Will I gain more of you?

I can’t even imagine

How that could be true.

& that’s why the fear is anchored

so deep in my gut

you might have been radical Jesus

but I don’t know if I’m radical enough.

I’ll let go if you make a promise—

I’m sorry for doubting you like this—

I never wanted to fleece you

But I feel lost in my quest to please you

For eight weeks I’ll seek you and ask you for guidance

As I abandon the things I had been holding onto

In hopeful exchange for letting new light in

BUT

You have to show up and show up BIG

Or else I’ll make my chains into magnets and to my shame I will cling.

Whatever the outcome, I’m seeking greater freedom

Getting the Hell out of Earth and stepping further into the Kingdom

I know we’ve been playing this flirtatious game of hide and seek

But game time is over now—

YOU cannot hide from ME.

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Unfortunately I didn’t write an exact date on this but I know I hand wrote this poem in my journal sometime in May 2018 while I was vacationing in Hawaii. I had been writing as an earnest prayer to God and it has been incredible to see how he has moved in my life since. The craziest thing about the way I’ve seen God work is realizing how much he cherishes our honesty. It seems to me that God is far more concerned with me bringing whatever I do have to him rather than being concerned with what I don’t have or whether what I bring is perfect or not. Time and time again I’m surprised to find that vulnerability even in my messiness brings far more connection to my life than secretly trying to figure out my mess and coming up for air once I feel like I’m good enough. Living like that is much easier said than done, but most revolutionary things are that way.

If you are seeking more in your life, more joy, more people, more of God or a spiritual connection, then I implore you to start with this one thing– an honest view of where you are. Then bring it to Him. Even if you don’t feel like you know who this “God” is or if he exists bring your frustration, anger, pain, doubts, questions, confusion, faith or lack thereof to the table. It will change your life for the better even if all it does is help you accept where you are because acceptance is the first step in release and release is a crucial step in finding momentum.